None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to. The world you see is different from the one I see, and it’s impossible to share your world with anyone else.
Chapter 2: Why People Can Change
If we focus only on past causes and try to explain things solely through cause and effect, we end up with “determinism.” Because what this says is that our present and our future have already been decided by past occurrences, and are unalterable.
Chapter 3: Trauma Does Not Exist
But Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.
Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.
Chapter 4: People Fabricate Anger
The goal of shouting came before anything else. That is to say, by shouting, you wanted to make the waiter submit to you and listen to what you had to say. As a means to do that, you fabricated the emotion of anger.
Chapter 6: Socrates and Adler
The first step to change is knowing.
Chapter 7: Are You Okay Just As You Are?
“The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.”
Chapter 9: People Always Choose Not to Change
In Adlerian psychology, we describe personality and disposition with the word “lifestyle.”
Yes. Lifestyle is the tendencies of thought and action in life.
taken more broadly, it is a word that encompasses the worldview of that person and his or her outlook on life.
In Adlerian psychology, however, lifestyle is thought of as something that you choose for yourself.
Although there are some small inconveniences and limitations, you probably think that the lifestyle you have now is the most practical one, and that it’s easier to leave things as they are. If you stay just like this, experience enables you to respond properly to events as they occur, while guessing the results of one’s actions. You could say it’s like driving your old, familiar car. It might rattle a bit, but one can take that into account and maneuver easily. On the other hand, if one chooses a new lifestyle, no one can predict what might happen to the new self, or have any idea how to deal with events as they arise. It will be hard to see ahead to the future, and life will be filled with anxiety. A more painful and unhappy life might lie ahead. Simply put, people have various complaints about things, but it’s easier and more secure to be just the way one is.
One wants to change, but changing is scary?
When we try to change our lifestyles, we put our great courage to the test. There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing. I am sure you have selected the latter.
Chapter 10: Your Life Is Decided Here and Now
Because saying “If only I could be like Y” is an excuse to yourself for not changing.
He should just enter his writing for an award, and if he gets rejected, so be it. If he did, he might grow, or discover that he should pursue something different. Either way, he would be able to move on. That is what changing your current lifestyle is about. He won’t get anywhere by not submitting anything.
But if you change your lifestyle—the way of giving meaning to the world and yourself—then both your way of interacting with the world and your behavior will have to change as well. Do not forget this point: One will have to change.
Chapter 11: Why You Dislike Yourself
What I can do is to get the person first to accept “myself now,” and then regardless of the outcome have the courage to step forward. In Adlerian psychology, this kind of approach is called “encouragement.”
Why do you dislike yourself? Why do you focus only on your shortcomings, and why have you decided to not start liking yourself? It’s because you are overly afraid of being disliked by other people and getting hurt in your interpersonal relationships.
Chapter 12: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”
There is no such thing as worry that is completely defined by the individual; so-called internal worry does not exist. Whatever the worry that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present.
Chapter 13: Feelings of Inferiority Are Subjective Assumptions
Chapter 14: An Inferiority Complex Is an Excuse
Chapter 15: Braggarts Have Feelings of Inferiority
Chapter 16: Life Is Not a Competition
The pursuit of superiority is the mind-set of taking a single step forward on one’s own feet, not the mind-set of competition of the sort that necessitates aiming to be greater than other people.
A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.
It does not matter if one is trying to walk in front of others or walk behind them. It is as if we are moving through a flat space that has no vertical axis. We do not walk in order to compete with someone. It is in trying to progress past who one is now that there is value.
Chapter 17: You’re the Only One Worrying About Your Appearance
It is connected with the subject of competition. Please remember that. If there is competition at the core of a person’s interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems or escape misfortune.
Because at the end of a competition, there are winners and losers.
Now we come to the important part. When you are able to truly feel that “people are my comrades,” your way of looking at the world will change utterly. No longer will you think of the world as a perilous place, or be plagued by needless doubts; the world will appear before you as a safe and pleasant place. And your interpersonal relationship problems will decrease dramatically.
Chapter 18: From Power Struggle to Revenge
Even if you are not directly abusive, when you feel genuinely angry due to another person’s words or behavior, please consider that the person is challenging you to a power struggle.
He wants to win. He wants to prove his power by winning.
Yes. And once the interpersonal relationship reaches the revenge stage, it is almost impossible for either party to find a solution. To prevent this from happening, when one is challenged to a power struggle, one must never allow oneself to be taken in.
Chapter 19: Admitting Fault Is Not Defeat
One more thing about power struggles. In every instance, no matter how much you might think you are right, try not to criticize the other party on that basis. This is an interpersonal relationship trap that many people fall into.
The moment one is convinced that “I am right” in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle.
Because of one’s mind-set of not wanting to lose, one is unable to admit one’s mistake, the result being that one ends up choosing the wrong path. Admitting mistakes, conveying words of apology, and stepping down from power struggles—none of these things is defeat. The pursuit of superiority is not something that is carried out through competition with other people.
Yes. It clouds your judgment, and all you can see is imminent victory or defeat. Then you turn down the wrong path. It’s only when we take away the lenses of competition and winning and losing that we can begin to correct and change ourselves.
Chapter 20: Overcoming the Tasks That Face You in Life
First, there are two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. Then, the two objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviors are the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades.
Chapter 21: Red String and Rigid Chains
Chapter 22: Don’t Fall for the “Life-Lie”
So I am making up flaws in other people just so that I can avoid my life tasks, and further more, so I can avoid interpersonal relationships? And I am running away by thinking of other people as my enemies?
That’s right. Adler called the state of coming up with all manner of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks the “life-lie.”
Yes. Even if you are avoiding your life tasks and clinging to your life-lies, it isn’t because you are steeped in evil. It is not an issue to be condemned from a moralistic standpoint. It is only an issue of courage.
Chapter 23: From the Psychology of Possession to the Psychology of Practice
Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage, and at the same time it is a psychology of use …
Chapter 24: Deny the Desire for Recognition
Chapter 25: Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others
Being recognized by others is certainly something to be happy about. But it would be wrong to say that being recognized is absolutely necessary. For what does one seek recognition in the first place? Or, to put it more succinctly, why does one want to be praised by others?
It’s simple. It’s through being recognized by others that each of us can truly feel we have value.
This is the danger of the desire for recognition. Why is it that people seek recognition from others? In many cases, it is due to the influence of reward-and-punishment education.
It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think, If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too.
You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and neither am I. It is not necessary to satisfy other people’s expectations.
Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be “this kind of person.” In other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives. And please remember this: If you are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, it follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations. Someone might not act the way you want him to, but it doesn’t do to get angry. That’s only natural.
YOUTH: So I should be selfish? PHILOSOPHER: Do not behave without regard for others. To understand this, it is necessary to understand the idea in Adlerian psychology known as “separation of tasks.”
Chapter 26: How to Separate Tasks
In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically.
There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made? When the child has made the choice of not studying, ultimately, the result of that decision—not being able to keep up in class or to get into the preferred school, for instance—does not have to be received by the parents. Clearly, it is the child who has to receive it. In other words, studying is the child’s task.
One has to pay attention. Adlerian psychology does not recommend the noninterference approach. Noninterference is the attitude of not knowing, and not even being interested in knowing what the child is doing. Instead, it is by knowing what the child is doing that one protects him. If it’s studying that is the issue, one tells the child that that is his task, and one lets him know that one is ready to assist him whenever he has the urge to study. But one must not intrude on the child’s task. When no requests are being made, it does not do to meddle in things.
Naturally, one gives all the assistance one possibly can. But beyond that, one doesn’t intrude. Remember the old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Please think of counseling and all other assistance provided to other people in Adlerian psychology as having that kind of stance. Forcing change while ignoring the person’s intentions will only lead to an intense reaction.
You are the only one who can change yourself.
Chapter 27: Discard Other People’s Tasks
If you are leading a life of worry and suffering—which stems from interpersonal relationships—learn the boundary of “From here on, that is not my task.” And discard other people’s tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler.
Chapter 28: How to Rid Yourself of Interpersonal Relationship Problems
First, one should ask, “Whose task is this?” Then do the separation of tasks. Calmly delineate up to what point one’s own tasks go, and from what point they become another person’s tasks. And do not intervene in other people’s tasks, or allow even a single person to intervene in one’s own tasks. This is a specific and revolutionary viewpoint that is unique to Adlerian psychology and contains the potential to utterly change one’s interpersonal relationship problems.
Chapter 29: Cut the Gordian Knot
For instance, when reading a book, if one brings one’s face too close to it, one cannot see anything. In the same way, forming good interpersonal relationships requires a certain degree of distance. When the distance gets too small and people become stuck together, it becomes impossible to even speak to each other. But the distance must not be too great, either.
Yes. When reward is at the base of an interpersonal relationship, there’s a feeling that wells up in one that says, “I gave this much, so you should give me that much back.” This is a notion that is quite different from separation of tasks, of course. We must not seek reward, and we must not be tied to it.
“Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.”
Chapter 30: Desire for Recognition Makes You Unfree
Chapter 31: What Real Freedom Is
In short, that “freedom is being disliked by other people.”
What I am saying is, don’t be afraid of being disliked.
Yes, that’s right. Not wanting to be disliked is probably my task, but whether or not so-and-so dislikes me is the other person’s task. Even if there is a person who doesn’t think well of me, I cannot intervene in that.
Chapter 32: You Hold the Cards to Interpersonal Relationships
But if I can think, I brought out the memory of being hit because I don’t want my relationship with my father to get better, then I will be holding the card to repair relations. Because if I can just change the goal, that fixes everything.
Chapter 34: The Goal of Interpersonal Relationships Is a Feeling of Community
It was the time before last, I believe, that I brought up the matter of how one sees others, that is, as enemies or as comrades. Now, take that a step deeper. If other people are our comrades, and we live surrounded by them, we should be able to find in that life our own place of “refuge.” Moreover, in doing so, we should begin to have the desire to share with our comrades, to contribute to the community. This sense of others as comrades, this awareness of “having one’s own refuge,” is called “community feeling.”
As I have been saying all along, Adlerian psychology has the view that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Interpersonal relations are the source of unhappiness. And the opposite can be said, too—interpersonal relations are the source of happiness.
Furthermore, community feeling is the most important index for considering a state of interpersonal relations that is happy.
You make the switch from attachment to self (self-interest) to concern for others (social interest).
Chapter 35: Why Am I Only Interested In Myself?
Chapter 37: Listen to the Voice of a Larger Community
Once you know how big the world is, you will see that all the hardship you went through in school was a storm in a teacup.
When we run into difficulties in our interpersonal relations, or when we can no longer see a way out, what we should consider first and foremost is the principle that says, “Listen to the voice of the larger community.”
Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people.
Yes, of course. Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There will always be more “you and I,” and more “everyone,” and larger communities that exist.
Chapter 38: Do Not Rebuke or Praise
But how can one build interpersonal relations with this separation of tasks and arrive in the end at the community feeling that “it’s okay to be here”? How does Adlerian psychology advise us to overcome the life tasks of work, friendship, and love? It seems like you’re just trying to confuse me with abstract words, without going into any concrete explanation.
How does carrying out the separating of tasks connect with good relations? That is to say, how does it connect with building the kind of relations in which we cooperate and act in harmony with each other? Which brings us to the concept of “horizontal relationship.”
What’s unpleasant is the feeling that from the words “Good job!” one is being talked down to.
The reason Adlerian psychology is highly critical of reward-and-punishment education is that its intention is to manipulate children.
Chapter 39: The Encouragement Approach
That’s right, one neither praises nor rebukes. This kind of assistance, which is based on horizontal relationships, is referred to in Adlerian psychology as “encouragement.”
Being praised is what leads people to form the belief that they have no ability.
When receiving praise becomes one’s goal, one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another person’s system of values. Looking at your life until now, aren’t you tired of trying to live up to your parents’ expectations?
Chapter 40: How to Feel You Have Value
This is an approach to encouragement that is based on horizontal relationships.
If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick and put the brakes on one’s own freedom. “Thank you,” on the other hand, rather than being judgment, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.
Well, what does a person have to do to get courage? In Adler’s view, “It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.”
That one can act on the community, that is to say, on other people, and that one can feel “I am of use to someone.” Instead of feeling judged by another person as “good,” being able to feel, by way of one’s own subjective viewpoint, that “I can make contributions to other people.” It is at that point that, at last, we can have a true sense of our own worth. Everything we have been discussing about community feeling and encouragement connects here.
It is about having concern for others, building horizontal relationships, and taking the approach of encouragement. All these things connect to the deep life awareness of “I am of use to someone,” and in turn, to your courage to live.
Chapter 41: Exist in the Present
Chapter 43: Excessive Self-Consciousness Stifles the Self